I'm so sick of myself I hate myself so much and it's ally fault and I hate my dad and I hate my mom and I hate he neighbors and I hate God because it isn't even real and I hate my grandparents.

I hate people who try to control me. I hate myself. it's all my fault. I hate my breasts. I hate my face I hate my dick I hate my sexual feelings I hate my hair.

Yes, when I grew my hair long it was a curly frizzy mess. my dad told me I should shave my head. so I did. I hate that too. I hate my big nose and the big pores on my face.

yes, i gate my breasts, but I'd also hate to have them removed. I hate women, but I hate men more, and myself the most. and I hate nonbinary people, too.

I hate my beasts. they're hard to hide. they grew bigger than they should on HRT. get I still look like a man. it's cruel to me. my nipples poke out of my shirt. so wear a bra. then my bra shows through my clothes. so girlmode. then I don't pass as a cis woman. I get called a cute faggot by drunk men at bars. so manmode. then I don't pass. I get called a trans dyke by drunk women at bars. which is true but I hate myself. I hate being a trans dyke. the 4chan stereotype of a transbian rapehon. I hate being a pervert who secretly lusts after my female friends. I hate being horny. I hate my sexual feelings. I hate my friends for being so sexy. I hate them so much. I haven't seen any of my friends in like a week now. I hate masturbating. I wish HRT would make my sexual feelings go away. why isn't it working yet? I truly am a man on the inside

I went outside today to work. mowing lawns. I'm out of money. I hate going outside. I hate that my parents will out me to my neighborhoods. oh, he/they goes by [Alice] now. like misgendering me and outing me simultaneously. my mom tells the neighbors about my gender confusion. how humiliating. my dad told my grandparents. and they justify it as being supportive. God I hate them. and then they proceed to deadname me anyway. including in front of the neighbors, so then he neighbors ask which name I go by. cringe. I don't wanna talk to these rumor-spreading bitches. I just wanna smoke DMT and crystal meth until I can't think. an Adam's apple plus breasts is hell. my body is an abomination for public discussion. fuck everyone. I'll never forgive any of you. and I fantasize about just grabbing a knife and cutting my stomach open in front of everyone. they should be horrified and disgusted by my body. I'll show them how horrifying I can be. fuck them.

manmoding as much as possible in a flannel, jeans, and boots. what's the point of dressing like a lumberjack? seems like everyone can see through my disguise.
blocking the 4chan board /lgbt/ but the brainworms don't go away. every time I go outside without a binder, I feel I'm a disgusting man with breasts. but what's the point of hating myself publicly online what's the point in binding? I could girlmode but I don't really want to be a woman so much as I hate being a man. why call attention to myself by wearing a skirt and looking like a Twitter femboycoping gigahon? what's the point in getting high and drinking every day? and locking myself in my room around the clock? watching youtube videos and staying up instead of making friends? I'm like an incel. I'm so lonely and spiteful. I'm just a stupid kid NEET manchild drug abuser). I don't understand what I'm doing to myself. I'm probably giving myself literal brain damage with all the drugs I've been doing. Become so delusional you forget that you're trans. that's my solution. I'll never pass 100% of the time, so why not get high? Spend all my time high and online. On the bright side, at least I look a lot better nearly two years on HRT vs when I'd just started. or do I? I'm doing I wrong:
-paranoid
-isolated
-enbycoping
-androgynous (this is a cope I still look like a man just a weird mutant one with disgusting gyno and no facial hair)
-tomboy (this is a cope I'm just a manmoder)
-transbian (I'm actually bi but I still hate myself for being attracted to women)
this is not what trans women are supposed to be. I'm no a normal trans woman nor am I normal for a cis man. what even am I? just mentally ill and cringe I guess.

mtftm hrt repper, basically
is it based or just weird and sad? idk
i look years younger
the only price was my mental health and my relationship with my dad and my grades in school and my muscle mass and strength
and my fertility
still,.10/10 would recommend hrt to a friend
I'll do it if ffs doesn't work out
I already am
I wake up, and it's on with the jeans, the belt, a the button-up, and the boots. I wake up and remind myself it's my fault I'll live as an HRT manmoder for the rest of my life.
They tell me:
>get a fem cut
>gain some fat
>do your brows
>dress better
they're trying to pinkpill me when I'm already 2 years on HRT. it's so fucked up. faceapp doesn't consider me F in manmode. not even in girlmode. not just the nose, the hair is pretty intense too. my feet are as big as my dad's. my breasts are small for a woman but large for man boobs. I can never win. why even live? I can't be accepted as a man on HRT. I can't do things normal men can do, like go shirtless to the pool. I'll never swim again. I'll never truly live again. I can't be a normal woman. only older pedo F@GG075 want me, and only because I'm young. they don't even pay for my food. or take my anywhere nice. it's just fast food and sucking dick. I have no sexual value. I'll never be a real woman and I'll never be loved. I will die alone and my parents will put my deadname on my grave. but they'll also out me to anyone that bothers to attend just to humiliate me postumously. they totally would. and my friends wouldn't even be there. my former friends. I can see on venmo they're still going out to eat together. just without me. everyone's still having fun without me. my rejection is total. my isolation is complete. welcome to my innermost hate. there's no going back once I enter those gates.

I'm so fuckin retarded my first therapist thought I had autism. maybe I do. ugh. I hate myself so much it's unreal

I can't participate in public life. I am just a freak