>>223842
that's really terrible. i'm so sorry, paint

that is incredibly fucked up

>>223842
there is a point, and it's that the world would be lesser without you. the people in your life want you around. if you told them that you were doing this they'd react the way we are. they'd try to stop you. because they don't want you to hurt. and what kind of a lesson is that, anyhow? where is the justice in that? you need to live so that justice can live.

i. am. eight minutes away

i dont want to die

stupid fucking Google Maps won’t tell me how long it will take to travel vertical distances so I’m going to gas 1/2 hour because there’s no elevator because it’s just a concrete frame right now

>>223847
paint, don't do this. any diversion is better than this

better than FLYING????? fat chance

>>223851
yes. i am betting on this fat chance.

>>223851
yes. did you know that most people who attempt suicide and survive do not successfully commit suicide afterwards? why do you think that is?

you have fun on the ground im going to join the birds

>>223854
they don't even know you like others do. why should the bad actions of others negate from your existence?

>>223853
I heard of people who permanently damaged their brains/bodies attempting suicide and failing... Tbh another major reason not to do it unless... Idk the whole world gets nuked or something crazy

>>223853
whether or not I succeed, this will be my seventh suicide attempt

>>223857
and why did you stop the last few times?

>>223858
I didn’t stop I was uninformed, and I failed. This time I went to the trouble of informing myself thoroughly about what exactly it takes to kill a human body.

>>223859
okay, but you didn't *immediately* try to kill yourself again each time

>>223859
why not?

>>223859
what if you're wrong?

I can’t even make a music for myself anymore without worrying that I’m just trying to copy this person subconsciously

>>223863
and that, you don't get anymore?

>>223863
you are not, though. that's impossible, isn't it?

>>223863
this can happen to anyone, even then you end up with a derivation of other people's work. would you sacrifice your outlet over this?
>>223871
anon talking to you is proof of.. what?

>>223863
that's a really whack way to be made to feel. you are your own artist and this person is fucking with you. please live and don't let other people take away the things that matter to you in life. you are allowed to make music

nothing has the same meaning it used to. It’s becoming increasingly clear to me that it is quite mathematically impossible for someone to ever love me.

>>223869
why do you think you can't be loved?

>>223870
You’re talking to me right now are you?

>>223871
i am, and i don't get it. why do you think that?

Isn’t it fucking irritating to be asked this kind of question? Isn’t it grading to have to take care of someone?

>>223873
no. it gives life meaning.

even if it is, the reasons for doing it outweigh any annoyance or dispute or whatever

>>223873
we are all here to help one another flourish beautifully.

i dont know what im supposed to do

>>223877
you are supposed to distract yourself with something that makes you happy for a little bit. anything at all. and after that things will be okay. i swear, on everything, that things will be okay. the life you lead is not the life you deserve, but you got it entirely the wrong way around. you deserve so much better. everything that happened to you was monstrously unjust. and it doesn't have to keep happening. you can find another life. one with warmth and love and everything. so please stay with us.

the second you grasp that other people can see something in you marks a victory for the world

>>223877
it sounds like you have some shitty people in your life that are poisoning your thoughts and self-image. you can't let them control how you see yourself

yeah genuinely paint, from the interactions on this board which is a tiny percantage of a percentage of what makes up the whole of you, but you seem like a really intelligent and thoughtful person with good morals. a lot of awful things have happened to you that you didn't deserve. and it sounds like you're in a really, really toxic environment. please survive so you can escape that environment and repair the damage that people have done to you. you deserve a chance at life. take care i wish you the best genuinely

>>223877
#hug

i deserve the most momentous impact of skull woth pavement that i can possibly engineer

>>223884
why did you say that?

and this building has it

>>223884
you didn't do anything wrong for existing, paint

that building is nowhere near a solution. all it leaves behind is more pain and anguish

>>223884
do you want people to think you copied your music? that this girl told the truth about you? about everything? do you want her to be able to hurt others?

fuck that girl for real though. its not fair to take away someone's outlet

she's a huge bitch

if somebody copied my style you know what I'd do? id be flattered and encourage their musicianship

but she didn't even copy it, even though you are right

yeah even if the situation was worst case scenario, she'd still be in the wrong

>>223884
paint, why are you doing this? if you can answer that i will stop annoying you

yeah i gotta head to sleep in a bit cause i gotta go deal with my heart disease tomorrow.

>>223895
SO IRLT CAN END

>>223897
it's NOT the only way, paint. it's absolutely not

ROUND AND ROUND AND ROUND AND ROUND MAYBE FOR YOU BUT FOR ME????????

>>223897
are you spiritual, paint?

but i really hope you survive this mental health crisis you're going through tonight. sounds like you're having a seriously shitty time

a clean circle cannot represent the path of your life, just flee the awful person you came across as soon as possible
>>223903
honestly, i'd really hate it if you ceased to exist

The consciousness is contained within the brain which system function upon death. You cease to exist when you die.

If any wish could be granted that would make you feel better instantly what would that wish be paint?

>>223903
how do you know that? a lot of people reported spiritual experiences when they neared death

no point no point no point no point no point no point no point no point no point no point no point no point no point no point no point no point no point

paint respond to me on discord please i want to talk to you

>>223906
there is a point though. how do you know you won't end somewhere worse?

nobody would ever fill that gap again, mark my words. there's only one paint

it's really hard to talk someone down from something like this, but know that everyone here just hopes youre ok.

>>223903
how does the brain generate consciousness?

>>223911
maybe it is just that complex, that you can form a personality from your experience?

AND FOR MY NEXT ACT, LADIES

I WILL MAKE MYSELF DISAPPEAR

>>223914
paint, stop

please stop

>>223915
Paint if you could have any wish granted right now that'd make you not want to die what would it be???

>>223918
IF EVERY COUNTRY ON THE PLANET EXCHANGED NUCLEAR WARHEADS FUCK YOU

paint please stop

please

AU REVOIR!

you're hurting us please

>>223919
you are certainly better than governments with nuclear warheads

what time of day is it there?

AUF VIEDERSEIN!!!

>>223926
whatever language it is, i don't think it's time to say bye. how many do you know?

i can't do this i'm going to relapse by chat.

*bye

bye anon

take care anon

paint. are you there?

Unbeaten by the rain
Unbeaten by the wind
Bested by neither snow nor summer heat
Strong of body
Free of desire
Never angry
Always smiling quietly
Dining daily on four cups of brown rice
Some miso and a few vegetables
Observing all things
Leaving myself out of account
But remembering well
Living in a small, thatched-roof house
In the meadow beneath a canopy of pines
Going east to nurse the sick child
Going west to bear sheaves of rice for the weary mother
Going south to tell the dying man there is no cause for fear
Going north to tell those who fight to put aside their trifles
Shedding tears in time of drought
Wandering at a loss during the cold summer
Called useless by all
Neither praised
Nor a bother
Such is the person
I wish to be

my favorite poem

>>223934
who wrote it?

Ame ni mo makezu by Kenji Miyazawa

goodbye

no paint

>>223937
please don't

thats a really nice poem

>>223937
that's not how to achieve the last part of the poem

>>223940
i tried to live like that

i really tried

>>223942
why did you stop trying?

>>223942
sounds like you've done a really good job of it so far, honestly the fact you're still alive right now is impressive. you've done a really good job.

>>223943
you can still do it

>>223943
don't give up

stairs

i have to go now

>>223949
no, you can turn back

goodbye all

switching ohone off

take care paint

wising you well paint I know you're having a very hard day

know if we see you in chat again you'll be welcomed

>>223952
if you can see this, i hope you realise

and we won't have to talk about this and it can just be chill

hope you resolve this tonight biggest love to you

i hope she's going to be alright

I hope she'll be okay but no knowing what she'll do tonight... Just remembering that... See stuff like this a lot and tbh I think it';s cause tranners get treated so badly now... I swear the rate of suicidality went up with transphobia soaring in 2020s

the lot of you did your best. sometimes that just doesn't work out. please do not blame yourself.
it's not my first time doing this, though this one was more immediate. sometimes i manage, sometimes not. but trying is always worthwhile. thank you all for trying. please try to take care of yourselves too, and make sure you are okay. lots of love.

yeah big love to all you anons. she's going through some rough shit. and it's good she had some people to talk to regardless of how things go

I just said she cause someone else said she... But I don't really know

time to take some estrogen and go to sleep. big love worm chat

This is why I think weed should be universally legal for anyone whose not a minor to take...

>>223961
i have no idea what just happened. i feel guilty too

>>223965
oh right i need to do that too

Imo there'd be way less suicides if we could give people weed when they are feeling suicidal

god i wish i had some weed you're right that would help me rn

>>223974
I know that with suicidal people you don't want to be totally silent but you don't wanna talk to them too much either and it varies with the individual

not that i uh.. want to rope rn

honestly what i want right now is a hospital bed, some antibiotics and some doctors to sort out whatever is going on with my heart. fingers crossed I'm all good this week. weed would rock too though

>>223961
>the lot of you did your best. sometimes that just doesn't work out. please do not blame yourself.
it's ironic that my eyes skipped this the first time
>>223971
is there anything that would help if i come across this again?

>>223974
Tbh I cope with mixture of estrogen, androgenic hair removal, lots of solitude, video games/the internet and modern day beauty products that's tbh how I avoid succumbing to depression... And my heavy blanket and peaceful dark quiet room and green tea/hot cocoa my cope drinks

the heavy blanket is good

i am excited to be under mine soon

>>223975
i have a lot of plushies yeah, i have a mimikyu one i like the most, shes idk if this is melodematic or whatevs but shes got a tear in the back of your head but you would think shes fine from the front ya know. also shes striving to mimic something she's not which i relate to

and lots of kitty plushies

no cope will get around the fact i greeted micro with "she should not heckin' die!" in the middle of this
that was really insensitive of me

I love my kitty plushies a lot they really help me feel a lot better

i have a seal, two whales and the ikea shark.

an entirely marine plushie environment

>>223980
you were trying to lighten the mood.

i guess
>>223987
thanks anon you are cool too
>>223988
it is like watching someone die, but you don't know what medicine to pick but they all get roughly the same result

I tried to lighten the mood with smartai but someone said now probably isn't the time, so i didn't make any other smartai posts... I didn't say much cause I didn't wanna risk making Paint feel even worse

>>223980
no its okay its hard to think of the "correct" thing to say, i was the one that said it wasnt the best but that was just causse i was panicing, your fine anon

yeah genuinely i tell you this. when dealing with suicide and stuff. never take any personal blame for it. try to view the situation like someone is dying from a physical condition.

i love all of you, my kindred. i'm proud of you. you did all you could.

are they ok

>>223988
there's truth to this. we see this person who has been through a lifetime of pain and we try to intercept right at the end. it's not always doable. though it's worth trying.

i just watched someone potentially die anon

>>223991
I bet a lot of it's cause Paint didn't get any support from society after the terrible things that happened earlier in life

>>223992
how are you feeling?

>>223992
big hugs anon

sad, paint just got dealt the wrong cards

>>223992
#hug

Like my mom has PTSD from hell but because of societal doublestandards my mummy gets all the support in the world

She doesn't need to go to fringe communities like ours for genuine support

support is so important

>>223997
#hug

please make sure that you take care of yourself, everyone. do what you need to do in order to feel okay. there is no shame in escapism at times like these. art is there to tide us over. and with time it will get easier to process. so try to do whatever it is that will help you get by for now.

>>224002
I like to mostly live in a world of escapism and make believe and plan on doing so no matter how hold I get... I refuse to let my heart reside in a hyper transphobic reality that's rigged against us

>>224003
honestly appreciate your worldview and vibe and way of existing a lot kitty. every time i come on this board and see you meowing and morrowind posting it brings me some joy knowinf you're doing your thing.

>>224004
I just take my estrogen, and my modern beauty products and avoid most normie situations like most holidays /etc/ the estrogen/modern beauty products prevent my IRL life from getting too bad, then I got places like here/videogames/lots of make believe/maybe VR one day to keep myself emotionally away from this cruel world

what if i hugged xes

I'm scared

>>224004 =^_^=
#ksay mrow purr purr purr touched you like and vibe my uwu uwu world view mew mew mew

>>224007
#hug

>>224007
hugs anon. if there's any crisis phonelines where you are and you need to talk to someone, dont be afraid to call them. its understandable to be shaken by something like this.

>>224007
#hug

God this is what ive caused before ive done similar god fucking :<

people have felt this bad because of me

>>224012
>>224013
no, because you stuck with us, and we are really thankful for that. we are so happy you got better for us.

>>224013
staying makes it absolutely worth it

doesn't make me feel any less terrible

>>224013
it's pretty sobering being on the other side of a mental health crisis like that but please don't feel too guilty. Like that anon said you've gotta treat it with the same amount of like 0 judgement as you would a physical condition.

>>224006
that would be nice

>>224016
well, i don't know what else i can say. you were having a hard time but you held on
if that's you skidbro you are cool

>>224016
i'm just happy we could help you

you'd be worried if a friend had a heart attack, but you'd never blame them for having one. you've gotta treat mental health stuff the same otherwise you'll fall down a really whack spiral of guilt that you just dont need to be feeling

>>224019
this is anna

anna you are cool too

glad you're about

>>224022
anna you're cool :3

we would have missed fun times with you if you left, so thank you for staying. have a long life

its really, not funny just like a really heavy thing to be subjected to so often when you spend a lot of time on image boards. sat with so many strangers through their mental health crisis on chan in the past. yeah

>>224027
same. on /lgbt/.
i have a terrible confession.. i don't feel much anymore. i did it so often that i've kind of grown thick-skinned.

that's not something to be ashamed of, thats just your brain putting up defences to help you cope with a difficult thing to see over and over

>>224029
yeah, that sounds logical. it's just sad that you can get desensitized to this sort of stuff, posting on imageboards. the world has been so cruel to trans people. so we need to make it better. that is what justice requires.

>>224030
big hugs anon. if the experience of being on image boards has lead you to even thinking about that kind of positive action then thats a small positive and it means other people who have seen this stuff will do their best having seen this stuff so many times too.

>>224030
No joke before 2020s I thought vocal complaining tranners ewere jusdt breing melodramatic about like transphobia and stuff but in hindsight I now see how wrong I was

>>224031
#hug
we will make it together. all of us. lots of love

>>224032
we will pull through

>>224032
i know what you mean kitty. its absolutely wild how intense it is

>>224034
Yeah like transphobes so fucking bad they don't want young adults to be allowed transition in oklahomna they even want laser hgair removal outlawed its fucking insane

>>224035
that is so fucking stupid i hate fundamentalists and transphobes so fucking much

oklahoma about to have so many harier cis women

florist can i make the thread?

good call florist

new /srg/

ty